Dirty Laundry

We’ve all got dirty laundry. There should not necessarily be a degree of dirtiness either. Even though some might be slightly dirty and some very dirty, it all comes down to the fact that they are dirty and need to be washed.

I think it has been my tendency to take hurtful memories and tear them to pieces until they no longer exist. My most perfect examples of this are from boys along the way broke my heart or moved away or moved on or whatever. After these incidents, I would take every correspondence between the two of us, journal entries, pictures, and any other mementos that reminded of them, and I would tear them up into the small pieces, throw them away and cry for hours to mourn the loss. I wish I had kept those things. Not only because I see that was not the right way to deal with my pain but also because I would love to read my journal entries and see my thought process back then and compare how my thoughts have changed.

I admit it, sometimes I let my laundry pile up a lot. And I am sure that you concur with this, occasionally it seems easy to buy new underwear than to take the time to wash all the dirty clothes. I know I am not the only one who has considered doing this and who has probably done this on one occasion or another. I feel, however, that is just like the memoirs I destroyed. It is easier to just start fresh and new than deal with the filth I have accumulated. I think that is my problem with grace.

If I were to take my old clothes out to the dumpster and throw them away and buy new ones, in essence, it would work. I would have clean clothes. No one would know necessarily. My life would continue. But God is not a trash man. He doesn’t take our sins or our sinful nature and bag it up to be taken to some landfill to waste away. He works like a washing machine. He cleans our clothes, our hearts, and he does not judge what is sort of dirty and what is very dirty. It is all dirty clothes to him, it is all sin. Just like a washing machine, they all come out clean and fresh and renewed.

I was reading Donald Miller’s book Blue Like Jazz last night and this morning. I was focusing on his chapter on Grace. He talks about when his pastor, Rick, came to know Christ at 19, he had a hard time changing his lifestyle to reflect him. Every time he went out and partied and did any other number of things, he felt worthless and felt like he was letting God down. He tried to kill himself because of these feelings. Let me just give Donald’s words:

"Rick tells me that as he lay there in bed, waiting to die, he heard God say to him 'Your life is not your own,but you have been bought with a price,' and at this point he felt a certain peace. Rick told me that he understood, cognitively as well as emotionally, that his role in his relationship with God was humbly to receive God’s unconditional love."

I needed to read that; to hear that. I don’t know why I grumble so much with accepting grace. I suppose it is pride in some ways. It has been a rough week for me. But I think God is finally breaking through. I want to give him my dirty laundry and finally understand his role. I want to stop trying to take care of problems myself and realize that my only job is to accept his unconditional love. God is my washing machine, not my garbage man.

30, 40, 50, and so on...

I love the start of a new year. I love the feeling I get at the beginning of a new year. Everything feels fresh and hopeful and despite all the unforeseeable shit ahead, I can’t help but feeling hopeful. I am 27 today. Time is moving more quickly the older I get and even though it has also been four years this past month since I graduated college, it feels like no time as passed at all. That makes me believe that I will blink a few times and suddenly be 30, 40, 50, and so on. Even though time has passed so fast over the last four years, not to mention the last 27, I know how much I have changed in that short amount of time. A change that is still taking place in fact. Changes that will probably continue all of my life. I wonder what I will blog about when I am 30, 40, 50 and so on. I wonder what will be important and what my struggles will be and who will be a part of my life.

It was a wonderful birthday. Perhaps the most low key birthday I have ever had. Last night, instead of going to a New Years party, I choose to spend time with my new friend Marsie. We had Asian food, route 44 Colas, Wassail (made by Marsie) and watched movies and TV shows till the wee hours of the morning. Then we laid around and talked until the early morning. Then when we woke up and spent several hours drinking coffee on her balcony and reflecting. Then off for chicken and biscuits and black eyed peas. It was such a divinely simple day. This is the start of a very beautiful friendship I do believe.

We had a little lingerie party for Tanya tonight. She is visiting from Reno and is getting married next summer. It was nice to spend time with the girls and talk about old times and new exciting times ahead. Despite the change, I am thankful for the consistent friends I have had in my life. Friends who, no matter how much time we have spent apart, connect right back up when we are all together again. I cherish our times of laying in piles, chanting, and laughing about nothing in particular. I am very thankful for these friends in my life. I think at 30, 40, 50 and so on, there will be some friends that will always be a part of my life.

I sometimes like to think of my life as a big painted picture. With each year represented by a single puzzle piece. That explains why some years are jagged with dark harsh colors and others smooth with soft pleasant colors. They are all part of a bigger picture. Reflection this morning included reading from the book of Job. It was a passage in Job 14, where Job compares his turmoil to deterioration of mountains and rocks by natural forces. These actions are a force of nature and part of a bigger plan. In the final chapter of Job, he reflects saying that he spoke of things he did not understand, things too wonderful for him to know. I don’t know what kind of year is ahead. I don’t what this puzzle piece looks like -whether rough all around with many dark days imprinted upon it or the most beautiful and pleasant of all the puzzle pieces of my life. Yet I am hopeful just the same. And I will never feel bad for being hopeful. I just have to remind myself not to let those natural forces wash away my hope completely as the year progresses.

Welcome to 2009. I love you all! Happy New Year!

Identity

Identity is a funny thing. How am I not myself?

So I feel I am having a bit of an identity crisis right now. I am starting to discover another part of me that I never knew existed. This part of me sort of scares me. Yet at the same time I am enjoying discovering her. She is not irresponsible but she takes more chances than the Deana who has existed for 26 years ever did. She drinks a lot more. She cusses a lot more. She contemplates certain bad boys who are not a good idea for her a lot more than the other Deana ever would have. And it is not that entertaining or pleasing her makes me a bad person or a bad Christian but it just makes me question every thing about me.

It also makes me question my relationships. I worry that I will no longer relate to my Christian friends. I worry I will forfeit the friendships that are the most important to me because suddenly they will not be able to relate to me any longer. I worry that this Deana could be a can of worms that shouldn't be opened. Yet the other Deana has lived on the side lines for so long and has been so scared to take any chances that this new woman is refreshing and liberating. It shows me that I can relate to people I never thought I would relate to. Maybe I am just toying with my sin nature but I don't feel particulary convicted about my recent behavior as much as feeling freaked because I don't know who I am. I know those people who went to big state colleges have had these experiences but from a Lee girl's perspective, this just kind of freaks me out a little. Maybe it a need to stray into this area for awhile before I really find a balance and discover who I really am. I think tonight I am just clueless.  

My first 5k race and other ramblings-

       I feel I have probably accumulated too much over the course of the past couple of weeks to do everything justice but will try. It make the most sense to cover each of these by order of event but I think I'd rather talk about those things fresh on my mind first.
       First up, I ran in my first 5k yesterday! All of this running I write about in my blogs were in preparation for yesterday's race. I was among the slower runners but I ran in the entire time and finished the race. Those being the most important parts of it. It was a lot of fun. It was a Halloween themed race. Well actually there were two things going on- first a 5k race and second - an attempt to break the Guiness world records for the most traditional Halloween costumes in one place. If I were given free reign I probably would have dressed up as a fairy princess or something but do to the fact it had to be a "traditional" costume, I decided to become a spider's lair. You might be asking, how does one dress up as a spider's lair? Well for me it was wearing a spider shirt, putting spiders in my hair, having my niece draw spiders up and down my legs and wearing dark eye liner and black lipstick. Scary but not bloody- I could work with that. There were all kinds of costumes there. Some of my favorites included a woman with a towel, a make-shift shower, and a man dressed as a woman with a knife (From Psycho- although I don't watch scary movies- I am terrified of them). I thought this costume was really inventive. There was also the Mario cart brothers- complete with boxes and all. There was this large zombie like thing. The costume had to be 10 feet tall or taller. They added a sweatband to it's forehead- genius. I am not sure how that person walked around for 3.17 miles with that costume on, however. I saw Forrest Gump, Michael Phelps, and Peewee Herman. There was a very serious Spider man who spent most of the pre-race activity time standing on a wall pretending to throw web at people. And then there were the Pirates.
       The Pirates are my mortal enemies. This was a whole group of people. They brought shopping carts filled with loot. Unfortunately, the pirates ended up near me for most of the race. They would run and then walk which really meant I would pass them and then they would pass me. They were enthusiastic, which was great, except for the fact that I was in pain and trying to psychology focus on my goal. They had sword fights and were constantly screaming and throwing loot at the spectators. If I would have been a spectator I would have enjoyed it but as a runner, I basically hated them. Luckily, somewhere around the 3rd mile I got a 2nd wind and they slowed a bit. I left them behind.
       I also got to spend the evening with a new friend from work, Marsette, and a couple of her friends. I think this is girl is just great. She is so funny. I really enjoyed being able to spend some time with her outside of work and hope to continue to build a friendship with her. There was some poor planning on the run organizer's part. First, when I reached my 2 mile mark, they had no water- they were all out at the water table. I could have really used some at that point but no luck. Also, they ran out of pizza at the after party and me and my friends did not get any. I did get some vitamin water once I crossed the line and had some chips and dip but really felt I might have performed better with the water after 2 miles.
     As far as results, I did okay. I definitely was closer to the end group. I was not at the end though. I ran it in 44.41 and that averaged 14.25 per mile. This is actually an improvement compared to the summer but I would have liked to have done a bit better. But now that the first race is under my belt, I am looking toward my next. I see another 5k that is on Thanksgiving Day. I am leaning toward entering that one and hope to beat my time. Ultimately I want to complete a half-marathon next April. So be warned, there will be more running blogs!

    I extended an Olive Branch last weekend. There has been some family drama the past year. This isn't unusual except this circumstances were quite more extreme than some of the troubles we have faced in recent years. This was more like something my father would have done when he was around. I have not known, however, how to deal with this situation for months. The dynamics of this situation is complex and too personal to put online for everyone to read but I can say extending this olive branch meant hurting another innocent family member. That is why I hesitated for so long. Recently I felt urged to take this step. Perhaps the pain inflicted on the other family member had healed enough. Regardless, I felt like this was the right step to take and feel much peace in my actions. I know this is a very ambiguous paragraph but that is all I can specify in this blog.

     I really wanted to update more but feel I have exhausted my energies tonight. Other highlights of the past couple of weeks include the 2008 tour of gymnastics champions with my niece last Thursday, lunch with Deaf Outreach friends on Friday, and lunch today with friends from the church I came to know Christ through. It was so good to catch up and see people I haven't seen in some time. I finally feel I have found a church and am growing in my relationships with people and with God. I have joined a small group and am starting to connect with people there. Work also has been very stressful the past couple of weeks. Alright, I am out!

A stitch away from making it and a scar from falling apart

I ran 3.2 miles tonight. The first time I have done this outside and without any walking breaks. It is t-minus 8 days till my run. The run is only 3.1 miles and without the hills I pushed myself to do this evening- including the mother hill. I hate that hill. So I feel ready. Tonight as I was finishing the last of my run I was listening to Fall Out Boy and I heard the lyrics "I'm a stitch away from making it and a scar from falling apart." I felt that lyric emcompassed the running experience. At any given moment, I am almost accomplishing something big, yet almost ready to fall apart. Running makes me feel so strong, yet so vunerable at the same time. I think this is hard to relate to if you aren't a runner. Every day that I am going to run, I get this horrible nervous feeling in my stomach. I keep trying to understand it. Why would I be nervous about running? It is just running. It's just me and the road and I can stop at any time. I think, however, it is a bit of the same type of nervousness one might experience before a medical procedure. I know my run will be painful in some ways and I think my nerves react. Even though technically I do not have anything to be nervous about. I have never been able to articulate how I feel when I run until I heard that lyric. It sums up the experience perfectly. I suppose running and this lyric really maybe sums up life as well. I think we are torn in some ways the same way a runner is torn between strength and exhaustion. Life is vunerable. We are vunerable. Some days, we run like we have never ran before. Other days, we can barely put one foot in front of the other and do not accomplish even half of what we did on other days. 

Hmmm... well that is all I have for tonight.